Dear Dr. Amy: My daughter is 14. I don’t understand half of what she says, and I only hear her voice when she talks to her friends! I feel totally invisible. Any advice?
Dear Mrs. Thirsty: It’s hard enough that we don’t always speak the same language as our teens, but sometimes they are barely speaking to us at all! If you’re lucky, they text you.
When your teen tells you, “the fam squad” is being “cringy” – the “fam” is not you, the family, it’s their group of close friends, the inner circle. “Cringy” is what it sounds like. It’s when you drop your teen to at school and say, “Love you” as they get out of the car. Sooo cringy.
They might tell you their friend was being “salty.” is describes someone who is angry or bitter. If you’re lucky, your teen will tell you you’re “woke” – knowledgeable, aware, or with-it. But don’t hold your breath.
This makes for complicated parenting. They aren’t good at regulating their emotions and behavior, which puts them at risk for making impulsive decisions.
Having a healthy and trusting parent-child relationship is more important than ever. While they often communicate openly with their friends, they may be a closed book at home.
Here are some tips for navigating the unfamiliar terrain of Planet Teen:
1. Friends.
Know who their friends and who their friends’ parents are. Then remember that you are not in the friend group. Be friendly, welcoming in fact, but don’t change your rules to accommodate the wishes of your teen or his/her peer group.
2. Listen.
Asking lots of questions is often a sure way to hit the mute button on your teen. Kids are more likely to be open if they don’t feel the pressure to “share.” And please never use the word “share.” It’s not worth the eye-rolling you’ll have to endure.
3. Validate their feelings.
We tend to try to downplay a situation or, worse, try to fix it. Negating someone’s feelings can feel dismissive, and trying to fix everything for them will cause them to miss opportunities for learning and growth.
4. Let them earn your trust.
Teens are looking to be taken seriously and treated like the all-knowing, more-mature- than-most teens they perceive themselves to be. Look for ways you can show trust. Expand their boundaries s-l-o-w-l-y as they demonstrate they can handle it.
5. Authoritative not Authoritarian.
Authoritative parents set rules and are prepared to explain why they are in place. They also enforce these rules and the consequences of violating what is considered an agreement. We’ve probably all found ourselves saying (or wanting to say) “because I said so.”Try not to.
6. Teens don’t have to agree with you.
What they do need to do is be able to predict the consequences of their actions with accuracy because you have made it clear.
7. Control your emotions.
We all have our moments, but it’s important not to respond in kind when your teen goes to the rails. Remember you are modeling how to act in situations that are difficult.
8. Spend time together, maybe even without electronic devices.
If we are constantly checking our email or Facebook status, we are showing our teens that it is more important than spending time with them. Spending time casually, like sharing meals, is a way to show teens they can be comfortable with you and that it’s not going to be the Spanish Inquisition every time you are in the same room together.
9. Watch and learn.
Mood swings and “tantrums” are normal, but pay attention if you notice a change in things like core behavior, appetite, energy level, or interests. If you notice something out of the ordinary, ask but be supportive.
10. Your teen may need your help and/or the help of a professional.
Don’t be afraid to talk to your child’s doctor, nurse practitioner, or physician assistant (sometimes a child feels more comfortable with one member of their healthcare team than another). Many pediatric providers are skilled at engaging kids without being intrusive or pushy.
I asked my own 14-year old, Will, what slanguage they use now. According to him, adults can’t use these phrases because adults are not capable of understanding context.
I just smile and tell him I’ll be back in a minute to finish our conversation …