Dear Dr. Amy:
I am concerned about my 11-year-old son. He gets so uncomfortable when it comes to talking to people, even relatives and family friends.
If he isn’t able to avoid these situations,I see him looking panicked and getting sweaty. I’m not sure I’m the right person to help him as I have developed pretty fail-safe ways to avoid these interactions,but I don’t want him to be like me. What can I do?
Signed,
The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree
Dear Tree:
Many people get anxious in social situations. Some even feel paralyzed, whether speaking up in class,making a phone call, or talking to someone new.
One of my own sons, who is very dramatic and outgoing at home, was nervous about trying out for the school play. I encouraged him to go to the information session prior to auditions and to ask his twin brother to go along.He then convinced his brother and a couple of close friends to move on to the audition.
Once there, the skilled and sensitive music director had the kids start by singing together, then moved to smaller groups, and eventually invited kids to demonstrate skills individually.
Seeing the other kids do it can show a more reluctant kid that it can be done without vomiting or peeing their pants.And if a child declines on the solo, maybe they get a part in the chorus – a great way to get even more comfortable with performing.
Whatever it is, kids (and adults) will find that this gets easier over time and with practice. There are lots of things you can do to help a child learn to deal with these feelings.
Don’t avoid things that make you uncomfortable
“Getting out of these situations may feel better for the moment, but you will still feel anxious the next time you are faced with a similar situation,” said Dr. Michael Scharf, a Rochester-based child and adolescent psychiatrist. “Avoidance is not the solution.”
Model bravery
Situations like talking with new people or giving a presentation are part of life. If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say,“The water doesn’t get any warmer.” Push yourself, even a little. And support your child in doing the same.
I’m not saying to jump into the freezing cold pool, but rather, start by getting your feet wet. Then, next time, get in up to your knees.
Leaving your comfort zone isn’t easy.When a situation comes up, try to help your child face his fears and navigate the terrain. It is unlikely the worst-case scenario will happen, but it’s often helpful to discuss that. Let a child explore their version of the worst-case scenario and think through how they would handle it.
I would argue that you might be the best person to do this with your child,as you can be truly empathetic to how he might feel. Don’t make it be about you, but rather look for opportunities to model bravery and be upfront about the fact that you, too, needed to push yourself.
Practice
As an experiment, ask him to try doing something that makes him a little uncomfortable. Start small. Don’t start by asking him to call the person he has a crush on. Start with a brief phone call to a relative or family friend he feels close to.
Or, if he wants to join a school activity but feels trepidation, suggest he bring a friend to sit in on the first meeting.
Adjust expectations
Just because most kids act like excited monkeys at the mention of a birthday party, it is OK if your child is trepidatious.
Rethinking your perception of fun is key.If a kid is sitting on the sidelines watching,it doesn’t mean they aren’t having fun. Let go of your expectations about what “fun”looks like.
Honestly, we do that all the time with our friends, colleagues and (ahem) spouses. For example, while I enjoy going out with lots of friends and have been known to talk to a lamp if it is the only thing in the room,my husband enjoys playing the occasional interactive video game with other grown men online. I would rather go to a worm wrestle!
Clearly, we have some differences in how we enjoy interacting with others. But that’s okay. We can’t assume there is a one-size fits-all definition of fun.
(Just don’t poke fun at your kid the way I do my husband. By the way, he gives it right back to me – he’s the one that said the thing about the lamp.)
Find your people
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too.When it seems like everyone else’s kid can jump into social situations with ease, it can feel isolating and exhausting. Find another parent who understands. Someone who can empathize with the challenges and the blessings of a child who is anxious or highly sensitive.
Go have coffee with a member of the tribe. It can be a relief to talk with someone else who gets it. Someone who under stands that it can be frustrating but who is also grateful to be raising a feelings oriented little human in a world that is in need of sensitivity and empathy.
Praise
And of course every success — whether it’s sitting on the outskirts of a party or fully engaging — merits praise. It can be something simple like, “It was cool how you went over and sat down to have cake.”Saying something positive is a much better tactic than getting into a power struggle about the definition of a good time.
In fact, when I get home later after having coffee with my girlfriends, I’m going to say to my husband, “It was nice how you complimented your online friend on that double annihilation last night” (wink).
Remember, if being anxious across many settings and situations is causing your child to miss school or fail to engage with other people, it may be time to talk to your pediatric provider.
Sometimes, a child needs a more-skilled professional to help navigate these waters,when everything they see looks like a shark.
And by the way, if you’re feeling anxious about asking another parent to have coffee,this is a good time to push yourself. Yes. Really. You can.