Dear Dr. Amy:
I am concerned about my 11-year-old son. He gets so uncomfortable when it comes to talking to people, even relatives and family friends!
If he isn’t able to avoid these situations, I see him looking panicked and getting sweaty. I’m not sure I’m the right person to help him as I have developed pretty fail-safe ways to avoid these interactions, but I don’t want him to be like me. What can I do?
Signed,
The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far from the Tree…
Dear Tree: Many people get anxious in social situations. Whether it’s speaking up in class, making a phone call, or talking to someone new, some people feel paralyzed.
One of my own sons, who is very dramatic and outgoing at home, was nervous about trying out for the school play. I encouraged him to go to the information session prior to auditions and to ask his twin brother to go along. He then convinced his brother and a couple of close friends to move on to the audition.
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Dr. Amy - Anxiety
Professional psychotherapist during psychotherapy session with depressed teenager
Once there, the skilled and sensitive music director had the kids start by singing together, then moved to smaller groups, and eventually invited kids to demonstrate skills individually. Seeing the other kids do it can show a more reluctant kid that it can be done (without vomiting or peeing their pants).
And if a child declines on the solo, they may still get a part in the chorus, which is a great way to get even more comfortable with performing.
Whatever it is, kids (and adults) will find that this gets easier over time and with practice. There are lots of things you can do to help a child learn to deal with these feelings.
1. Don't avoid things that make you uncomfortable.
“Getting out of these situations may feel better for the moment,” said Dr. Michael Scharf, a local child and adolescent psychiatrist, “but you will still feel anxious the next time you are faced with a similar situation. Avoidance is not the solution.”
Situations like talking with new people or giving a presentation are part of life. If you know me, you’ve probably heard me say, “The water doesn’t get any warmer.” Push yourself, even a little. And support your child in doing the same.
I’m not saying to jump into the freezing cold pool, but rather, start by getting your feet wet. Then, next time, get in up to your knees …
Leaving your comfort zone isn’t easy. So, when a situation comes up, try to help your child face his fears and navigate the terrain. It is unlikely that the worst-case scenario will happen, but it’s often helpful to discuss that.
Let a child explore their version of the worst-case scenario and think through how they would handle it. I would argue that you may be the best person to do this with your child as you can be truly empathetic to how he might feel.
Don’t make it be about you, just look for opportunities to model bravery and be upfront about the fact that you too needed to push yourself.
2. Practice
As an experiment, ask him to try doing something that makes him a little uncomfortable. Start small. Don’t start by asking him to call the person he has a crush on.
Start with a brief phone call to a relative or family friend he feels close to. Or if he wants to join a school activity but feels trepidation, suggest he bring a friend to sit in on the first meeting.
3. Adjust expectations
Just because lots of kids act like excited monkeys at the mention of a birthday party, doesn’t mean that it’s some kind of comment on you or your child if they are more trepidatious.
Rethinking your perception of fun is key. If a kid is sitting on the sidelines watching, it doesn’t mean they aren’t having fun. Let go of your expectations about what “fun” looks like. Honestly, we do that all the time with our friends, colleagues and, ahem, spouses.
For example, while I enjoy going out with lots of friends and have been known to talk to a lamp if it is the only thing in the room, my husband enjoys playing the occasional interactive video games with other grown men online. I would rather go to a worm wrestle!
Clearly, we have some differences in how we enjoy interacting with others. But that’s okay. We can’t assume there is a one-size-fits-all definition of fun. Just don’t poke fun at your kid the way I do my husband. By the way, he gives it right back to me — he’s the one that said the thing about the lamp.
4. Find your people
Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. When it seems like everyone else’s kid can jump into social situations with ease it can feel isolating and exhausting.
Find another parent who understands. Someone who can empathize with the challenges and the blessings of a child who is anxious or highly sensitive. Go have coffee with a member of the tribe.
It can be a relief to talk with someone else who gets it. Someone who understands that it can be frustrating but who is also grateful to be raising a feelings-oriented little human in a world that is in need of sensitivity and empathy.
5. Praise
And, of course, every success — whether it’s sitting on the outskirts of a party or fully engaging — merits praise.
It can be something simple like, “It was cool how you went over and sat down to have cake.” Saying something positive is a much better tactic than getting into a power struggle about the definition of a good time. In fact, when I get home later after having coffee with my girlfriends, I’m going to say to my husband, “It was nice how you complimented your online friend on that double annihilation last night.” (wink)
Remember, if being anxious across many settings and situations is causing your child to miss school or fail to engage with other people, it may be time to talk to your pediatric provider.
Sometimes, a child needs a more skilled professional to help them navigate these waters when everything they see looks like a shark.
And by the way, if you’re feeling anxious about asking another parent to have coffee, this is a good time to push yourself. Yes. Really. You can.