Dear Dr. Amy:
A friend called me a “helicopter parent” like it was a bad thing. What is wrong with being there for my child?
— Mom to Darling Daughter
Dear Mother Hover:
First, let me say that there is nothing wrong with providing a supportive and loving environment for your child. In fact, it’s great! However, if this looks essentially like continuing to carry your kid around in a Baby Bjorn when she is 12, you might have a problem with being overly protective.
While we’ve discovered the benefits of being a present parent and nurturing our kids, like many other things, we’ve super- sized our efforts. Many have taken active parenting to an Olympic level, subscribing to the edict that if some is good, more is better. Unfortunately, in many cases, more is NOT better – hence the idea of the helicopter parent asa negative. Shocker, I know. If our kids grow up never facing adversity or challenges, they won’t know how to cope when the stakes are higher or if there is no one there to clean up their mess.
“While we’ve discovered the benefits of being a present parent and nurturing our kids, we’ve super-sized our efforts. ... Remember, if we try too hard to make sure nothing happens to our kids, nothing will happen to them.”
A recent study from our neighbor sat the University of Buffalo looked at whether too much hovering can be a bad thing. They found that while going through very tragic events does not contribute to one’s long-term resilience, having no difficult experiences also does not bode well for developing resiliency. Kids learn from trial and error.
It’s tempting to give your child everything, especially if you felt you were denied as a child. Please don’t. You’ll end up robbing them of feeling successful on their own or learning valuable lessons from their mistakes. Ultimately, this is the kind of stuff they will talk to their therapist about. And be prepared, they will expect you to pay for the session.
Remember, if we try too hard to make sure nothing happens to our kids, nothing will happen to them.
Amy Jerum is a doctor of nursing practice (DNP), pediatric nurse practitioner (PNP), and pediatric mental health specialist with Panorama Pediatric Group. She also is an assistant professor of Clinical Nursing with the University of Rochester School of Nursing ... and a fun and tired mom of three boys ages 11, 11, and 13.