Dear Dr. Amy: My darling daughter just informed me that she is not going to sleep-away camp although it’s all set up. What do I do?!? — Mean Mommy?
Dear Mommy Dearest: I’ve been getting this question a lot lately …
Remember back in January when you had to decide and (gulp) pay for summer camp?
The brochures for summer camps always show kids with big toothy grins, splashing in water. I love the picture of the young girl who has just met her two new besties and they are all holding hands as they joyfully walk away from their parents and toward their slightly damp summer living quarters.
Who we never see on a glossy brochure is the kid clinging to his guilt-ridden mom while a well-meaning (and downright peppy) counselor pries his little fingers from her shoulders.
Don’t get me wrong — I am a firm believer in the camp experience. Summer camps can help kids hone many life skills, such as social adaptability, resilience, and independence.
My own kids have been going to day camp since the summer before kindergarten and have now ventured into two-week stays at overnight camps.
My three boys fill the spectrum from “Happy Camper” to “Somewhat Reluctant Participant.” So how do we prepare kids who are reluctant about or new to the camp experience?
The key is to acknowledge your child’s feelings and help her learn coping skills she can use to deal with these feelings.
Most importantly, try not to trivialize your child’s feelings by saying, “There is nothing to worry about!” or “You’ll have fun!” without showing some empathy and understanding.
These statements may leave a child feeling like you don’t care or understand and can discourage her from talking to you about her concerns. If you know that your child is on the anxious or shy side, you can even discuss strategies in advance for dealing with concerns.
For some kids, this can give them tools that make them feel more prepared. In any case, let her know that you are confident she can handle this new adventure, and that the camp counselors and other staff are there to help her along the way.
Dr. Jim Wallace, a child and adolescent psychiatrist, says don’t focus too much on how it feels to be away from home. Instead, it can help to imagine and talk about physical details like decorating her bunk, meal choices, or daily activity offerings. He also suggests not lingering at the bus stop or drop off because long goodbyes are painful for everyone.
For some added insight,I spoke with Anthony “Ace” Ventura, who is the teen programming and arts enrichment coordinator at the Carlson Metro Center YMCA, as well as a firm believer in all things camp.
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He suggests preparing kids for what might be different about camp, but doing so in a way that makes it fun. Getting sand in your swimsuit or mud in your toes can be a new sensation for some kids.
“As a parent or counselor, you have to be truly enthusiastic about the idea that sometimes the most exciting things in life happen when you have a little dirt under your nails,” he said.
He also suggests talking to your child’s counselors to let them know if your child has concerns so they can support him, too.
So, when should you worry that a child’s anxiety is something problematic? You might be concerned if he shows physical symptoms of fear, excessive tearfulness, or hiding.
Some children have nightmares about separation, or ask questions like, “What if something happens to me or you when I’m away?” It is best to be calm and firm, but if a child’s reaction is so severe that it interferes with normal functioning, it might be time to talk to your pediatric provider about a consultation with a mental health professional.
However, we don’t want to underestimate a child’s ability to cope. For most kids, you can send them off with a few words of encouragement and a brief hug.
And for Pete’s sake, don’t let ’em see you sweat. Go home, have a cup of tea, and a good cry on your own time.