Families whose children have attended their sibling’s birth report it is a powerful bonding experience. To explore if this option is right for you, consider both the mother and child’s needs, then make the necessary preparations. But be flexible in the event unforeseen circumstances arise.
That’s what Holly Balasia did. During one prenatal visit to a birthing facility, this mother of two learned about a sibling preparation for childbirth class being offered there. “I was intrigued with the idea that children could be present during birth and thought the girls would benefit from the class, even if we didn’t go that route,” she says of her then 6- and 4-year olds.
Balasia enrolled her family in the class and took a wait-and-see approach. During the session, she listened as veteran families shared their children’s birth encounters. Nancy Michel, sibling preparation for childbirth class educator and administrator, encourages such conversations. “Parents should talk with other families who have done this to hear what they have to say,” she says. “At the same time remember that every situation will be different.”
Although women can’t predetermine the course of their labor, they can reflect on previous birth experiences and think about the type of environment they need to be comfortable and to concentrate on the process. Likewise, consider your child's developmental age and temperament. “Children can have a range of emotions from excitement to wonder to tenderness, to fear, boredom or disgust. It just depends on their age and personality,” says Karen Webster, 30-year veteran certified professional midwife, who has witnessed countless children in this setting. “In my experience, preschoolers do well and are truly fascinated with the birth experience, provided they aren’t clingy. Children [age] 7 and up, however, may or may not want to participate in the event. What’s most important is to follow the child's lead, not forcing or coercing him to attend if he doesn’t want to.”
Equally important is to designate a familiar adult to accompany the child at all times. Michel says the sibling support person shouldn’t be the father or anyone else actively involved in the birth. “That person’s sole responsibility is to interact with, care for and support the child throughout the process,” she says.
Tamra Larter is doing this in preparation for her at-home birth. “I have two primary sibling support persons — one for each child — and two backups in case one can’t make it when I start labor,” says the mother of 4- and 2 ½-year olds. “This will give each of my kids the option to come in the room or go out and play if they want.”
Parents may also want to consider a sibling class. Blasia was glad she did. “The instructor kept the discussion on the kids’ level but at the same time shared in depth with them about what they may experience,” Balasia says. “They got to touch different instruments that may be used on their moms, toured the facility to see a birthing room and watched a video of an actual birth. I felt like it did a good job of preparing my girls.”
Books and videos may help too. “There are juvenile books and videos specifically designed to prepare kids for the experience, some are even told from the child’s perspective,” says Webster. This is how Larter is preparing her kids for their sibling’s birth. “Every once in a while I’ll say, ‘Let’s watch a mama at work’ and put on a short, pre-selected segment of the video — these are calm births and that’s the way my past births have been,” she says. “I also have a Brazilian mama doll I use to explain in simple terms what is going to happen.”
Most important, continue conversations and remain flexible in the event that the mother’s labor needs change, the child gets restless or wants to opt out all together. Balasia took this approach. “During labor the girls came in and out of the birthing room but it didn’t distract me,” she says. “When they were out they played games and watched videos with my dad. When they were in the birthing room, my sister, mother and mother-in-law were there to support them and answer questions.”
Balasia’s daughters did, in fact, witness their brother’s birth. “The girls were out of the room when the baby’s head crowned, so my sister called them in,” she continues. “The older one came in just as the baby was born; the younger one walked in right after. At first they were awestruck then they joined me on the bed with their new brother. Both were so excited. And the youngest, she couldn’t stop smiling.”
Balasia is pregnant with her fourth child and has enrolled her now 8- 6- and 2-years olds in another sibling preparation class. “We’re getting them ready but again taking it as it comes,” she says. “If they want to be present, they can. If they don’t, it’s okay with me.”
Denise Morrison Yearian is the former editor of two parenting magazines and the mother of three children.
Finding a class locally
- Strong Beginnings Sibling Class This class is ideal for children ages 3 years and older. Each attending child should bring a doll or stuffed animal, a photo of himself or herself as a newborn, and a drawing of hir or her family. Attendees will learn what it will be like to have a new baby in the family, becoming a big sister or brother, and what a new baby can do. Those children planning to attend the birth of their new sibling are encouraged to stay for an additional 30 minutes, when they will be given more information on the process of labor (using charts and drawings) and will view a family centered birth video. Cost: $25 for first child, $5 for each additional child. For more information and to register, call (585) 275-4058.
- Rochester General Hospital Sibling Class This class is for big brothers and sisters (ages 3-10) to help them prepare for the new arrival. Siblings will make a new gift for the baby or a focal point for mom to use during labor, learn how to help prepare for the big day (by packing mom's suitcase), and discuss feelings and ways to help once the baby comes home. Includes a tour of the TWIG Birthing Center. Cost: $20. For more information or to register visit www.rochestergeneral.org or call (585) 922-5465.
- Thompson Health Birthing Center Sibling Class This one-hour class is for big brothers and big sisters who will have their sibling(s) born at the Thompson Health Birthing Center. The class is for 3-10 year olds and includes a tour of the Birthing Center, a “visit” with a newborn, viewing a video about the changes they can expect with a new baby and practice sessions of diapering and holding a baby doll. Call (585) 396-6497 for more information.
