Lessons of LOVE, Acceptance & Gender Identity

Alex Gino’s book George (Scholastic Press, 2015), was the community read in my hometown of Trumansburg, New York this summer. Without spoiling the book for those who haven’t read it, the main character is a transgender fourth grade girl named Melissa who the rest of the world sees as a boy named George. The catalyst for her beginning to disclose her secret to others is the auditions for the school play, Charlotte’s Web. Melissa wants desperately to play the wise and plucky spider. However, her normally kind and insightful teacher, Ms. Udell, refuses to let her try out for the part because she’s a boy. The story unfolds from there with an ending that’s both transformative and hopeful, for the characters and readers.

Two Experts

George is an easy read and the well-attended book discussions and a library Skype conversation with the book’s author were both informative and thought-provoking. Alex is a genderqueer writer of progressive middle grade (ages 9-12) fiction. "Books like George are how we connect with each other," Alex explains, "and how we all learn about how to be different in our complex world."

To learn more about young people and gender identity, I also spoke with Dr. Barbara Jean Douglass, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, educator, and therapist for twenty years, first in San Francisco, now in Rochester. With a background in Women’s Studies, Social Work, and Education and experience with transgender children and adults, she has some valuable advice to share about how to talk about gender with kids.

Some Answers to Two Questions

Alex and Dr. Douglass both discussed two common parental concerns and explained how books (and other resources) can be helpful in addressing these.

Is My Child too Young to Talk About/Read About This?

Though there have always been transgender adults and children, people are talking much more openly today about gender variations. Children are exposed at an earlier age to a variety of gender identities through traditional and electronic media, as well as through their daily interactions with others.

Dr. Douglass believes it’s never too early to begin the conversation about the diversity around us. Children can already see this in places like the animal kingdom or in their classmates’ families at school. Some kids may have two moms she explains, while some may live with foster parents or grandparents, and still others with a mother and father. Reading books about various differences in the world they’re experiencing helps kids understand that everyone is unique and there is no “right” or “wrong” way to be.

She notes that some gender-variant children begin to question their gender identity at a very young age. One great example of this can be found in the nonfiction book, I Am Jazz, (2015, Rainbow Selection). Another children’s book she recommends is My Princess Boy. “People’s stories are so powerful,” Dr. Douglass emphasizes, adding that reading about children and families that are like theirs can feel really good to everyone involved.

According to Alex, it was important for George to have a ten-year old protagonist. “Kids do know at that age that there is something different about them,” they* says, adding that it’s untrue (as well as hurtful and condescending) to say that middle graders are “too young” to know about gender and sexuality. Children need and deserve the tools to talk about who they are as well as books with characters that look and feel like them. Reading a book about a transgender child’s experience offers everyone the chance to learn and to talk respectfully and sensitively about the themes of gender identity.

Books provide a great way to find out what your children already know about gender identity, to make sure they have accurate information, and to assess your own knowledge about sexuality. Children are full of curiosity and eager to explore all sorts of issues. If you don’t know the answer to a question, find someone that does or research it together. Reading books as a family can also promote lively discussions with children about why kids and adults (fictitious or real) said or did certain things.

What if I Say the Wrong Thing?

Books are a great way to jumpstart parent/child conversations, especially when the topic is one that may feel uncomfortable, awkward, or embarrassing to adults. George is no exception. Alex talked about how they wanted to show that the adults in the story weren’t always perfect or aware of what was going on behind the scenes for Melissa. For example, though Ms. Udell is a great teacher, she isn’t “trans-aware” or open to any conversation about the subject. Melissa’s mother is a loving and understanding parent. Nevertheless, it’s difficult for her to hear, and accept, what Melissa is trying to tell her -- that her internal gender identity doesn’t align with the sex she was assigned at birth. Sadly, Alex says, this is often the reality.

According to Dr. Douglass, the first cue for parents that something may be going on with their son or daughter can be when a child experiments with wearing certain clothing. Children may also begin saying things like “No Mom, I’m not dressing like a girl; I am a girl.” Rather than responding with reactions such as “That’s ridiculous!” or “No you’re not!” Dr. Douglass suggests that parents say something like “Wow honey, really? Let’s talk about this. When did you start feeling this way?”

Children will share their personal experiences in different ways at different times. Some may tell their friends before their family. Others may feel more comfortable talking about a sensitive issue with one of their parents first. Dr. Douglass suggests that the “chosen” parent then ask if the child would want to tell the other parent together or if the child prefers to do it alone. Open discussion offers an opportunity for a real bonding moment between parents and children and should ultimately be empowering for everyone involved.

The most important thing is that a child not feel rejected, no matter how anxious or fearful parents may be. Saying things like “I love you and I’m so glad that you shared this with me,” will help parents keep the conversation going, rather than shutting it down. Dr. Douglass observes that when a child goes through something, the whole family goes through it as well. However, children and families are resilient, and she feels the most optimal outcome is that all family members get to be who they really are. Ultimately children should come away with the understanding that the adults who are important to them will always be there for them, no matter how their life unfolds.

While many parents accept how their son or daughter dresses or acts at home, it can become more difficult for them when the child wants to express themselves in a public setting. It’s okay to be scared, nervous, or confused when this happens, Dr. Douglass notes. This is the ideal time for parents to begin seeking out resources (parent support groups, therapists, or organizations) for themselves. Pediatricians can be another good ally for families. If parents feel that their family doctor isn’t comfortable or skilled in working with gender-variant children, they can ask for a referral to a doctor with more experience in this area. “All of these things will help you feel prepared to support your child,” Dr. Douglass adds. 

*Alex uses the singular-they, and the honorific Mx., pronounced “Mix”

WHAT’S THE  DIFFERENCE?

Gender Expression is the way people express their gender identities to others through the clothing they wear, their hairstyle, or their behavior.

Gender Identity is a person’s internal sense of how one perceives oneself (male, female, or something else). This may not always be visible to others like gender expression.

Gender Nonconformity is when a person’s gender expression is different than what society expects it to be based on assigned gender.

Gender Role is a set of behaviors, and activities usually associated with either males or females

TIPS FOR BEING AN ALLY

Many people say that their favorite character in George is Melissa's best friend, Kelly. Her loyalty to Melissa, and her willingness to do whatever it takes to help her friend become who she is on the outside, as well as on the inside, strikes a chord with both adults and kids. Kelly is the friend we all wish and hope we would be if our best friend needed us.

A helpful booklet written by Sophia Field for Out for Health (a project of Planned Parenthood of the Southern Finger Lakes) underscores what Alex Gino says and emphasizes that there are specific ways that family and friends can be allies for transgender children.

  • When a young person comes out to you as transgender, realize how difficult this may be for them to do and don’t minimize it. Instead, thank them and tell them how proud you are of them for sharing this important part of themselves with you.
  • Educate yourself (reading, online resources, talking to a gender counselor/therapist).
  • Always use the young person’s new name and pronouns correctly. If this is difficult, practice with an inanimate object or a picture of them while repeating the correct language. If you make a mistake, simply say “Excuse me” or “Sorry about that” and move on.
  • Share accurate information and terms with anyone who says things that are incorrect or hurtful. Be an advocate by standing up for transgender rights and helping to normalize being transgender in our society.

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Sue Henninger is a freelance writer and a regular contributor to family magazines. Contact her at www.SueHenninger.com.

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YMCA Summer 2020