Cliques among children typically begin forming between the third, fourth and fifth grades and usually settle in around the sixth grade. No parent wants her child to feel excluded. But long before kids decide who's in and who's out, parents may unintentionally influence their kids' social networks.
Parent Cliques
Sports teams, neighborhood play groups and other gatherings that always include the same group of families create a sense of exclusivity that kids pick up on. For parents who are new to a community, these established groups can feel intimidating and challenging to crack. Furthermore, some parents worry that their outsider status negatively impacts their child's social life.
Lara, a mom of three, says she is disappointed by the behavior of a group of moms in her suburban neighborhood who have essentially "cliqued out" both her and her youngest daughter. "The moms are friends and that's who determines who the kids are friends with," she says. She often sees Facebook photos of the families getting together for barbecues, birthday parties and other activities. But, what bothers her is the emotional toll the clique is taking on her third grade daughter. "The isolation is dampening her spirit. She used to be my happy go-lucky kid and not so much anymore," Lara says.
Dr. Fran Walfish, a family psychotherapist and the author of The Self Aware Parent: Resolving Conflict and Building a Better Bond With Your Child, has seen her share of cliquey behavior. "I'm not at all surprised that a group of kids would clique out a third grade girl. But, it's stunning that moms would get involved in the cliques," she says.
What are the best ways for you to address cliquey situations?
- First, adjust your perception. Past exclusions or rejections can color your perception of an innocent situation. "Self awareness is key here in order to expand our options and then we do or don't have to repeat what was done to us," Walfish says. Give yourself time to get to know the other parents one-on-one and put aside personal biases and assumptions. For example, you might ask one of the parents: "My son would like to join a soccer team. I noticed that your son plays. Do you know if there's any space on your child's team or could you recommend someone who is seeking players?" Often, you'll find that parents are welcoming and accepting or at least willing to help you.
- Share your warmth. Parent cliques aren't always a misperception, but don't assume that everyone in the group is exclusive. Connect with individual members of the group who are friendly. Also make appropriate, amiable invitations and warm overtures. For example, if parent groups at your child's school schedule informal gatherings, offer to host one evening or bring a baked treat to share. "Try to do something that shows a generous effort at kind friendliness," Walfish says. Volunteer to help with a school event or in the classroom, which is a good way to get to know a variety of parents, who may be better matches for your personality and interests.
- Avoid mud-slinging. As you get to know other parents, beware of acting vengeful towards the "popular" group. Stay positive and appreciate the relationships you are building to avoid alienating anyone. "Don't bad-mouth the group behind its back," Walfish says. "You just give them more good reason why a bad gossip is not welcome in."
- Seek out a receptive parent. Watching your child struggle with a clique, especially if you suspect that it's a result of your exclusion from the parent group, is heartbreaking and maddening. "There's no getting around the fact that it's very hurtful to kids," Walfish says. "Seek out and try to look for the most potentially warm, responsive parent in the group and invite her daughter for a play date with yours." Make it a short, appealing play date like a stop for frozen yogurt after school. An hour-long play date when kids are getting to know each other builds in success.
- Seek happiness. Not everyone is in a clique or cares to be. Model to your child the importance of developing strong friendships with people you actually enjoy spending time with rather than working toward the tenuous goal of popularity. Get to know other families outside the group. Also, connect with families whose children are involved in the same activities as your child. Encourage your child to befriend children at school who share similar interests and are warm and welcoming. She'll learn that happiness is spending time with friends who genuinely care about her and delight in her individuality. Will her efforts always garner acceptance? Probably not, but she'll develop resilience and value the friendships that do come her way--and you will, too.
Freelance journalist, Christa Melnyk Hines, is a mom of two boys. She is the author of Confidently Connected: A Mom's Guide to a Satisfying Social Life.
