Grandparenting—amazing, fascinating, at times confusing, but all the time an experience like no other.
I’m going to begin by saying that this article is ninety percent experience and a little bit research. As a grandparent, I think it’s fair to say that we learn along the way with help from friends and family, a bit like parenting.
Mindfulness, as we become grandparents, can be seen in two different lights. As our own children begin their adventure as parents, we must be more mindful of their needs and wants. Each one of our children and their significant other is different, and will have their own personal views, needs, and thoughts on how they will parent. The other light is our new grandchild. They will be unique and deserving of a special relationship with each grandparent. This can be tricky at times for grandparents to navigate. Is it impossible? No.
To grandparent mindfully you must begin by listening, finding out who your grandchild is, and responding. Like our own children, each grandchild will be different. It’s up to us to throw away the one size, one activity fits all and see how we can best connect to these amazing humans that are our family. Take time to watch your new grandchild. Sit quietly and just take it all in. What do they smile at or turn toward? What causes them to wiggle their arms and legs? How do they respond to your voice or your singing? My one grandson Cole covered his ears when I sang. It may seem obvious, but I responded by making an effort not to sing to him. There are many ways to engage without forcing my singing voice on him. Reading, playing, or just watching as he plays works, too.
As your grandchild grows, they express themselves in all different ways. Watch! Listen! Ask questions! Children often know exactly what they need from others, so pay attention. I will forever remember a question my grandson Jake asked me. He asked why I took his twin sister to a Broadway play, and he didn’t get to go. I was completely taken aback and felt terrible. I thought about why and discovered I was trying to create a special granddaughter tradition without thinking about his perspective. Of course, I felt terrible, but I also felt grateful that he told me how he felt. From that day forward, it became a lesson for me to take the time to discover who each grandchild is. So live and learn, try your best to be aware, and be in their lives as they need you to be. Of course, this will change as they grow. Roll with it. Be as present as possible so your relationship can grow with the change.
Your role through the eyes of your own child and their partner is more complicated. This is your child and partner’s time to parent. Just as with your grandchild, listen to them regarding what they need from you. I’m working on this every day. Even if you read all the recent research on child development and parenting techniques, the choice of how to parent is up to the parents not the grandparent. You may be asked to weigh in and give advice—or not. Follow their lead. You may have the type of relationship that allows you to step in and give opinions but always keep in mind that you are the grandparent. Much like we took some of our parenting styles from our own personal pasts (or maybe not), they will be doing the same. Ask how you can support them in this journey. As much as you might think an everyday or once a week visit is nonnegotiable, it isn’t up to you. We have to take our lead from the parents. This may come verbally or nonverbally, so stay alert. What every new parent thinks will work may change over time and along with that what they need from you may change. Be open.
It’s a journey for both experiences, and I will fully and gratefully acknowledge that it isn’t an easy one. It takes having an open heart, listening, asking questions, and adapting. Everyone in this adventure is unique and will have a different take on their role. On the grateful side, I am both apologizing to as well as thanking my oldest twin grandchildren for paving the way for me to become a better, more mindful grandparent. They say practice makes progress, and I’m hoping with six grandkids and one more on the way that I have made some progress. Grandparents have an important role no matter how it looks. Be present and enjoy each step. Remember, there’s a reason you’re called a GRANDparent!