Oh, the joy of going to Grandma and Grandpa’s house — all the love and attention and fun … but also rules. Probably the most powerful aid to a grandparent is the child’s wish to cooperate. If being with Grandma and Grandpa is a secure, loving, enjoyable experience he or she will be eager to please them. Only then will “consequence training” work. But that appreciation must be built gradually and not entirely on gifts or bribery, although a little of each is welcome.
Here’s a scenario that played out with my granddaughter, where a lesson was learned. I joined her for a toddler class at the library. While sitting together at the PlayDoh table, I watched her collect all the colored balls of squishy synthetic clay, busily pushing them together. A little boy was sitting next to us, watching, so I suggested, “Let’s give him some of your Play-Doh. You’ve got a lot.”
“No,” she answered and pulled the large lumpy ball closer. I asked the little boy his name and chatted briefly with his mom.
“Can you give Toby a little now? ” I asked my granddaughter again.
“No!” she answered sternly.
“If you can’t share, we will have to leave,” I told her.
“No!” she said one more time.
“OK,” I said, handing the Play-Doh to Toby and picking her up. As I carried her to the hall and put her feet on the floor, she looked at me with startled disbelief. “Let’s go see Grandpa,” I said, and we walked to the table in the lobby where he was reading.
“Lori didn’t want to share the Play-Doh,” I told him, “so we had to leave.”
“That’s right,” grandpa said.
“You can sit here, Lori,” I said, pulling out a chair for her. As she climbed up, I explained to her, “You have two choices: We can go home or we can go back to class if you will share the Play-Doh. Think about it.”
Grandpa and I sat there quietly, sharing his magazine. After a few long minutes, I asked her, “Would you like to go home now or would you like to go back to class?”
“I go back to class,” she said.
“Will you share the Play-Doh?” I asked.
“I share,” she answered meekly.
I smiled and we walked back, hand in hand. Sure, she’ll still need guidance in sharing but I don’t believe she will refuse again.
When spending time with grandparents, we must remember that the child is adjusting to two different households, each with its own set of rules. This special person needs time to practice the behaviors expected in different environments. It helps to confide in the parents and enlist their support, so we are all on the same page in regard to discipline.
In Wonderful Ways To Love A Grandchild, well-known family therapist Judy Ford wrote: “You are a teacher, a mentor, a model for living. Your grandchildren may not do exactly what you say, but never doubt for a moment that they are listening to you, imitating you, emulating what you do and what you say .
“Even from a distance, they are observing you. What do you want them to know?”